Il morto sta bene is a stage comedy by Italian-American writer Franco Lalli, set in three interiors (kitchen, business office, living room) and built around suspicion, deception, and marital betrayal. The main characters are Sandro, a 55-year-old businessman; Lucia, his wife; Armando, Sandro’s business partner; and “the Pharmacist,” identified as Don Bartolo, an older, fussy, self-important man.
In Part One, Lucia furtively pours a white powder into Sandro’s tomato juice. Sandro pretends to read the newspaper but watches her closely, refuses to drink, and leaves. Alone, Lucia dumps the drink, reinforcing the appearance that she is trying to poison him. At the office, Sandro confides in Armando that his life is in danger: he believes Lucia is having an affair with Don Bartolo and that the mysterious “little powder” in pharmacy-style packets is intended to kill him. Sandro admits he has been pretending to drink the juice and discarding it.
Armando proposes a trap: Sandro should “die without dying,” staging his suicide so Lucia and Don Bartolo will reveal themselves through their reactions and plans. Sandro returns home, hints he will leave “for the other world,” theatrically takes the tomato juice with him, and exits as Lucia watches in alarm. Part Two begins in the living room with Don Bartolo’s absurd, pedantic monologue, signaling a satirical turn toward the fallout of Sandro’s staged death.
A Comedy By FRANCO LALLI
Sandro ..... 55 years and bald
Armando .... Sandro’s partner in business.
Lucia ...... Sandro’s wife
Il Farmacista.. A man of uncertain age.
A Kitchen
A Business Office
A Living Room
A pill-box
Nothing
A KITCHEN. LUCIA IS NEAR THE SINK. SHE IS FURTIVELY POURING A WHITE POWDER INTO A GLASS SO THAT HER HUSBAND WILL NOT SEE HER. SHE DISPOSES OF THE EMPTY ENVELOPE, THEN PROCEEDS TO FILL THE GLASS WITH TOMATO JUICE. SANDRO, HER HUSBAND IS SEATED AT THE TABLE APPARENTLY READING HIS NEWSPAPER, BUT IN REALITY HE IS FOLLOWING HIS WIFE’S EVERY MOVE. THE BREAKFAST REMAINS ARE STILL ON THE TABLE. THERE IS A GENERAL AIR OF MYSTERY.
MUSIC: SUSPENSE - MYSTERY
LUCIA
(APPROACHING HER HUSBAND, GLASS IN HAND)
Hai dimenticato di prendere.... Cioè, ho dimenticato io, questa mattina, di mettere a tavola il succo di pomodoro.... noi berlo anche adesso.. e’ lo stesso.
LUCIA PLACES THE GLASS IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND, THEN TURNING HER BACK TO HIM SHE RETURNS TO THE SINK AND PROCEEDS TO SCRUB IT AS THOUGH SHE WISHED TO WASH AWAY THE REMAINS OF... SOMETHING.
SANDRO PICKS UP THE GLASS AND OBSERVES IT CLOSELY. HE SNIFFS THE CONTENTS, WITHDRAWS FROM IT WITH A GRIMACE, PLACES THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND RISES SUDDENLY, THROWING THE NEWSPAPER TO THE FLOOR.
SANDRO
Vado via, e’ tardi.
LUCIA TURNS SEEING THE XXXXX GLASS IS STILL FULL.
LUCIA
Non hai preso il....
SANDRO
Bevilo tu, cara.... ti fara’ bene.
LUCIA
Ma l’ho preparato per te. E’ necessario che la mattina....
SANDRO
Lo so... Ne sono convinto. Però, vedi, oggi non ne ho voglia. Ho già fatto colazione. Devo correre in ufficio.
HE BIDS HIS GOODBYE IN HASTE. HE IS NERVOUS
Ciao.
HE EXITS.
LUCIA'S GAZE FOLLOWS HIM OUT. SHE GOES TO THE TABLE, PICKS UP THE GLASS AND POURS THE CONTENTS DOWN THE DRAIN. THE ENTIRE SCENE MUST CONVEY TO THE AUDIENCE THAT SHE IS ATTEMPTING TO POISON HER HUSBAND.
MUSIC CONTINUED MOOD OF MYSTERY
AN OFFICE
SANDRO ENTERS. HE IS TROUBLED. HE REMOVES HIS HAT AND GOES TO HIS DESK.
SANDRO
Buon giorno, Armando
ARMANDO IS WRITING. HE ANSWERS WITHOUT LOOKING UP.
ARMANDO
Buon giorno, Sandro. Come si va,
SANDRO GLANCES THROUGH HIS MAIL WITHOUT SITTING
SANDRO
Non troppo bene.
ARMANDO
Cos'hai?
SANDRO
Non so... Sono vari giorni che... Forse andrò da un medico.
ARMANDO
Non preoccuparti. Abbi solo cura nel mangiare ARMANDO (con't.)
Secondo me tu bevi troppo succo di pomodoro.
SANDRO SURPRISED
Io? E chi te l'ha detto?
ARMANDO
Tu me l'hai detto.
He DROPS HIS PENCIL AND MAKES DESCRIPTIVE GESTURES
Un bicchiere la mattina... un bicchiere la sera... un bicchiere....
SANDRO
Era mia moglie che insisteva.
(TO HIMSELF)
Adesso so il perché.
HE SITS
ARMANDO RISES AND GOES TO SANDRO WITH SOME PAPERS IN HAND.
ARMANDO
Ho esaminato attentamente tutte queste proposte.
SANDRO
Ebbene?
ARMANDO
C'è da prenderle e buttarle dalla finestra. Enormi capitali ed enormi rischi. Mio caro, te l'ho detto: se vogliamo salvarci e rimettere in piedi questa baracca, noi abbiamo bisogno d'un prodotto nuovo, qualcosa che colpisca la fantasia e faccia colpo sul pubblico.
SANDRO
(SCEPTICALLY)
Eh... c'è una parola: Trovalo... Tu cerchi il chiodo.....
ARMANDO
Che chiodo?
SANDRO
Il chiodo che hanno in testa tutti i commercianti per appendervi la Chiave della Fortuna.
ARMANDO
Ed allora chiudiamo. Meglio non perdere più tempo e denaro. Sai che qui...tra qualche mese vi sarà il crollo.
SANDRO
Meglio, meglio. Che finisca una buona volta! Se tu sapessi quel che sto attraversando.
ARMANDO
Lo so...purtroppo!
SANDRO
Ma che sai!...Che sai!
ARMANDO
Come che cosa so? Oh, bella! Non ci stiamo scervellando assieme per uscire da questa situazione?
SANDRO
Io alludo a cose ben più gravi, Armando...
ARMANDO
Non capisco! Parla!
SANDRO
La mia vita è in pericolo. Sono sotto minaccia di morte.
ARMANDO [IMPRESSED]
Minaccia...di morte? E chi...
SANDRO
Mia moglie, sta tentando di avvelenarmi.
ARMANDO
Che cosa dici?
SANDRO
Ho assistito all'ultimo tentativo mezz'ora fa'.
Ma perché?... Perché dovrebbe avvelenarti? Spiegati!
SANDRO
WITH A BITTER SMILE
Perché? Eh, mio caro. Domanda all'amico perché ti tradisce o al nemico perché ti perdona. Misteri dell'animo umano... La vita!
ARMANDO
Sicché sei proprio convinto, certo della cosa.
SANDRO
Le prove sicure non le posso ed inutilmente le ho cercate in questi ultimi mesi di ansie e di tormento... ma da circostanze inconfondibili, da indizi chiari ed eloquenti, mi sono convinto d'una relazione stabilizzatasi tra mia moglie ed un farmacista...
ARMANDO
Un farmacista?
SANDRO
Perciò da varie settimane gira per la mia casa una certa polverina. Lui è apparso tutto ad un tratto. Non l'avevo mai visto né sentito dire. Di botto, grande amicizia tra mia moglie e sua sorella che è una stellona brutta quanto lui: scambio di visite, inviti a pranzo, cortesie a destra ed a sinistra... Eh sì che il farmacista è ben più anziano di lei.
ARMANDO
Tu però, non me ne avevi mai parlato.
SANDRO
Sopportavo. Speravo di liberarmene, in un modo o nell'altro. Conosci il mio vecchio desiderio di lasciare la città e andare a vivere in una casa di campagna. In tal caso, pensavo addio per sempre al farmacista e visite importune. Ne', oltre una certa molestia che egli mi arrecava, avevo motivo di lacranza o di sospetto. Una sera, SANDRO (con't)
entrando nel salotto, trovo che stanno chiacchierando piuttosto a bassa voce e appena mi scorgono, cambiano discorso.
ARMANDO
Chi chiacchierava a bassa voce?
SANDRO
Lui e mia moglie. La sorella non c'era.
ARMANDO
Ah! Ho capito.
SANDRO
Da quella sera cominciai a sorvegliare. Caro Armando, quando un marito apre gli occhi, perde per sempre la pace. Noto, innanzi tutto, che mia moglie ha cambiato pettinatura e si preoccupa troppo ogni volta che si annunzia una visita di Don Bartolo. Si chiama Don Bartolo come quello del 'Barbiere di Siviglia'. È tutta moine, sorrisi, sdolcinate e...profumo...Se un giorno darai il gran passo e deciderai di prendere moglie, ricordati di questo? il naso è il primo a capire.
ARMANDO
...quei che bolle in pentola...
SANDRO
No. Che hai sbagliato donna. Ma ancora nulla di serio, di preoccupante. Se era sempre nel campo della fantasia e delle supposizioni. Dopo averli aperti, gli occhi, mi si spalancarono del tutto, quando appresi che Don Bartolo e mia moglie avevano trascorso un intero pomeriggio assieme in una casa di campagna.
ARMANDO
Perdinci!
SANDRO
Subito dopo apparve sulla scena la polverina.
ARLANDO
Ma che cos'è questa polverina?
SANDRO
Se tu immaginassi quanto ho fatto per saperlo! La tiene in certe bustine come quelle che danno nelle farmacie, e perciò riconobbi immediatamente la coda dell'amico Don Bartolo. Scoprii che mia moglie me la metteva appunto in quei bicchieri di succo di pomodoro di cui si parlava prima.
ARLANDO
His MOUTH DROPPING OPEN
E tu li bevevi?
SANDRO
Facevo finta di berli, ma li buttavo tutti nell'acquario.
ARLANDO
Io, però, l'avrei messa con le spalle al muro... E, scusa, qui si tratta di vita...
SANDRO
Più d'una volta sono stato tentato di farlo, ma la polvere - anche se somministrata a scopo delittuoso - non è una prova del tradimento, dell'infedeltà, capisci? È questa che ancora mi manca, che mi sfugge... la prova... io devo ottenerla.
ARLANDO
SUDDENLY
Aspetta... Aspetta un po'...
SANDRO
LOOKING AROUND HIM, NOT UNDERSTANDING
Cosa c'è?
ARLANDO
Trovata! Ho la soluzione! Sandro, tu devi morire!
Eh?
ARMANDO
Ti devi amazzare!
SANDRO
Sei matto oppure ti sei alleato anche tu col farmacista?
ARMANDO
Non fraintendermi. Non devi morire sul serio, ucciderti per davvero.... Una finzione. Una trappola, comprendi? Una volta scomparsi, essi si toglieranno la maschera e se sono colpevoli lo riveleranno subito fidanzandosi, sposandosi o fuggendo assieme. Oh, va là!... Si capisce immediatamente se una donna piange acqua o piange lacrime.
SANDRO HAS FOLLOED ARMANDO'S SPEECH BUT IS OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED
SANDRO
Ma dov'è la logica in quel che dici? Scomparire. Morire... Come si fa a morire senza morire?
(ALMOST TO HIMSELF)
Questo è pazzo davvero! Perciò non si riusciva ad imbrogliare un solo affare qui dentro.
ARMANDO
Gli altri come fanno?
SANDRO
IRRITATED
Quali altri?
ARMANDO
Quelli che muoiono e sono vivi. Vi sono dei morti al mondo che stanno benissimo! Dicono che sono morti, lasciano scritto che si uccidono che vanno a gettarsi in un fiume... e poi... spezzata la catena, usciti da chissà quale imbroglio.... vivono in santa pace... mentre sono morti.
Eh?
ARMANDO
Ti devi amazzare!
SANDRO
Sei matto oppure ti sei alleato anche tu col farmacista?
ARMANDO
Non fraintendermi. Non devi morire sul serio, ucciderti per davvero... Una finzione. Una trappola, comprendi? Una volta scomparsi, essi si toglieranno la maschera e se sono colpevoli lo riveleranno subito fidanzandosi, sposandosi o fuggendo assieme. Oh, va là... Si capisce immediatamente se una donna piange acqua o piange lacrime.
SANDRO HAS FOLLOWED ARMANDO'S SPEECH BUT IS OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED
SANDRO
Ma dov'è la logica in quel che dici? Scomparire. Morire... Come si fa a morire senza morire?
(ALMOST TO HIMSELF)
Questo è pazzo davvero! Perciò non si riusciva ad imbrogliare un solo affare qui dentro.
ARMANDO
Gli altri come fanno?
SANDRO
Irritated
Quali altri?
ARMANDO
Quelli che muoiono e sono vivi. Vi sono dei morti al mondo che stanno benissimo! Dicono che sono morti, lasciano scritto che si uccidono che vanno a gettarsi in un fiume... e poi... spezzata la catena, usciti da chissà quale imbroglio... vivono in santa pace... mentre sono morti.
SANDRO
MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER
Io non capisco!
ARIANNO
Vieni da me, ti chiudi nella mia casa, riposi e leggi i giornali.
A GOOD SUGGESTION
Ti farebbe anche bene sai? Sei sciupato. Hai gli occhi di pesce fritto. Ed usciresti una buona volta dall’inferno nel quale ti sei cacciato.
SANDRO
RESIGNED, CONVINCED
È sta bene! Non ne parliamo più, vuol dire che farò il morto. Vediamo che cosa ne verrà fuori. Però da dove s’incomincia?
ARIANNO
Lasciati guidare da me: vedrai...vedrai....
MUSIC DRAMATIC
THE KITCHEN - SAME AS SCENE ONE
SANDRO ENTERS WITH UT GREETING HIS WIFE. HE SEES SOME LETTERS ON THE TABLE. PICKS THEM UP AND ASKS:
SANDRO
Cos’è questa roba?
LUCIA
Ah, sei tu Sandro? Quale roba?
NOTICING THE LETTERS
È la posta.
SANDRO
Non l’apro. Ho deciso di non aprire più le SANDRO (con't)
lettere.
LUCIA
Sei nervoso? Qualcosa che va male?
SANDRO
Qualcosa? Ma tutto il mondo sta correndo verso il precipizio. Vedrai, vedrai che scopio! E che fine!
HE PAUSES PACING UP AND DOWN NERVOUSLY
Però me ne vado prima io.
LUCIA
SURPRISED
Che dici, Sandro? Dove te ne vai?
SANDRO
All'altro mondo. E senza indugio. Voglio farla finita una buona volta.
LUCIA
JOKINGLY
Non riesco a comprendere lo scherzo. Sai io le storielle stento a capirle.
SANDRO
Scherzo? Storielle? Ma non lo vedi che gazzarra, che sconcio sulla terra? È mai possibile che si debba vivere tutti aggrappati alla miccia d'una bomba?
LUCIA
Cosa vuoi farci? Dobbiamo aver pazienza! Vieni caro, ti ho preparato un bel bicchiere di succo di pomodoro. Ti ridarà le forze. Sei stanco, lo vedo.
SANDRO
Ah! Il succo di pomodoro. Dammi! Dammi! Lo voglio portare con me all'altro mondo e farlo vedere a tutte quelle anime trapassate. "Ecco quel che ci preparano le mogli...Assaggi...Assaggi.
SANDRO
Senta che delizia!
HE EXITS WHILE LUCIA
GAZES IN SURPRISE AND
ALARM.
MUSIC SUSPENSE WITH CRESCENDO
END OF PART ONE
COMMERCIAL
MUSIC FUNEREAL BUT WITH A TOUCH OF SATIRE
SET: A LIVING ROOM
DON BARTOLO
HE IS AN INSIGNIFICANT CARICATURE OF A MAN, HIGH STARCHED COLLAR AND SUFFS-SPATS - BOUTONNIERE AND TIE-PIN. HE IS SEATED, HIS HANDS RESTING ON HIS CANE, HIS CHIN RESTING ON HIS HANDS. HE IS GAZING INTENTLY AT THE FLOOR. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE - THEN HE SPEAKS WITHOUT LOOKING UP.
Sto pensando.... Sto pensando alla regola del sette in relazione alle fasi lunari.
LUCIA
SHE IS SEATED FACING HIM. SHE WEARS DEEP MOURNING.
Quale regola?
DON BARTOLO
LOOKING UP
Una regola infallibile. Oggi ne abbiamo 22. La luna nuova è stata l'undici. Undici, diciotto... Ma io avevo un libretto dove vi sono tutte le combinazioni. Devo averlo lasciato nella farmacia. Vado a prenderlo. Sono due passi. Devo togliermi questa curiosità, perché se c'entra la regola del sette, tutto si spiega.
HE IS CALCULATING MENTALLY.
HE SEARCHES IN HIS POCKET
HE FAILS TO FIND WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR
HE RISES
HE GOES TOWARDS THE DOOR WHERE HE MEETS A MANCO. THEY STOP, AND STARE AT ONE ANOTHER EACH WISHING TO MAKE WAY FOR THE OTHER BUT NEITHER ONE MOVES. FINALLY DON BARTOLO EXITS.
ARMANDO
GESTURING TOWARDS DON BARTOLO.
Il farmacista?
LUCIA
Sì, Don Bartolo.
ARMANDO WINKING
Io capito.
LUCIA
Venga, si accomodi, signor Armando.
ARMANDO
Beh, ...come andiamo.
HE SITS, PLACING HIS BRIEFCASE ON HIS KNEES
LUCIA MAKES AN EMPTY GESTURE OF DESOLATE RESIGNATION
Coraggio, coraggio....
OPENING HIS BRIEFCASE
Sono venuto per la contabilità... e la sistemazione dell'ufficio.
LUCIA
Per l'amor del cielo, signor Armando. Non voglio sentire parlare m' di contabilità ne' di ufficio. Con l'animo così straziato.
ARMANDO
Comprendo...E pure è necessario...
LUCIA
Faccia lei...faccia tutto lei. È stato l'amico più buono del mio povero marito..e la stessa fiducia ha sempre riscosso anche da parte mia.
ARMANDO
Grazie signora...
LUCIA
Io, ormai, ho deciso... ho fatto i miei piani...
ARMANDO
SCRUTINIZING
Posso chiedere... se non sono indiscreto...
LUCIA
Tutt'altro... Attendo che giunga mia sorella... Dovrebbe arrivare domani. Sistemermo l'appartamento e poi ce ne andremo assieme.
ARMANDO
SURPRISED
Dove?
LUCIA
Vado a vivere con lei. Ritorno al paese...
ARMANDO
Come? Una decisione così brusca?
LUCIA
Cos'altro mi resterebbe da fare?
Per me tutto è finito.
DISCONSOLATE
ARMANDO
Via, non dica così... è ancora tanto giovane.
LUCIA
Per carità, signor Armando, non me lo faccia nemmeno sentire... Non potrò mai riavermi da un colpo simile. È stato terribile. E pensare che la tragedia è accaduta proprio mentre stavo facendo tanti bei progetti.
SHE IS MOVED TO TEARS.
Volevo comperare una casa in campagna... fargli una sorpresa... Lui mi parlava sempre di avere una casa in campagna.
ARMANDO
Lo so... Lo diceva anche a me.
LUCIA
S'era presentata un'ottima occasione. Una bella casa; comoda, piena di luce, vicina all'abitato. Ero andata a vederla con Don Bartolo, l'uomo che avete incontrato poco fa, perché la casa è sua e m'era tanto piaciuta.
ARMANDO
CANDIDLY
Ah, ma allora è tutto chiarito...
LUCIA
Che cosa?
ARMANDO
CORRECTING HIMSELF.
Dico, allora comprendo perché Sandro non faceva altro che parlarmene.
LUCIA
No, lui non ne sapeva nulla. Doveva essere una sorpresa. Ultimamente avevo pensato di parlargliene, ma era così nervoso e irascibile.
ARMANDO
Il lavoro, i pensieri, non riuscivamo a trovare un buon prodotto da lanciare sul mercato.
LUCIA
Comprendo, comprendo... In fondo lo sapevo d'animo buono e generoso. Forse perciò il destino me l'ha schiantato con due fulmini: la pazzia ed il suicidio. Quando ebbi la lettera dove mi diceva che andava a buttarsi nel fiume, mi si aprì la terra sotto i piedi. Volevo morire anch'io. Chiesi un veleno a Don Bartolo, qualcosa che mi addormentasse senza farmi più svegliare, ma il poveretto, naturalmente...
ARMANDO
Su... su... signora Lucia... A tutto c'è rimedio.
LUCIA
Ma non alla morte. Non risuscitano i morti.
ARIANDO
INGENUOUSLY
E perché no? Alle volte... Si son dati certi casi.
LUCIA
Ma se non han potuto ritrovare neanche il cadavere.
ARIANDO
Non è ancora detta l'ultima parola... Chissa'....
LUCIA
Che lo ripeschino? No... no... meglio che non lo riveda in quello stato... meglio che lo ricordi com'era, il mio povero Sandro...
ARIANDO
Negli ultimi tempi era andato giù. S'era sciupato.
LUCIA
Ma io glielo dicevo sempre: si preoccupava troppo degli affari. Perciò aveva perduto tutti i capelli. Non aveva nemmeno quarant'anni quando incominciarono a cadergli. E fu un peccato perché se sapesse che capelli aveva prima... se ne innamorai appena li vidi. Sa che io e Don Bartolo stavamo tentando di farglieli ricrescere?
ARIANDO
Come, come?
LUCIA
Dico: Io ed il farmacista stavamo tentando di far ricrescere i capelli al povero Sandro.
ARIANDO
Ma davvero?
LUCIA
Non so quali risultati avremmo ottenuto, ma il farmacista mi assicurava che... Sì, Don Bartolo è un tipo molto strano. Ne ha sempre qualcuna delle sue. Rare però che abbia inventato una polvere addirittura miracolosa per far ricrescere i capelli e tutte le mattine io la mettevo nel succo di pomodoro.
ARMANDO
JUMPING TO HIS FEET
Sia lodato il cielo! Finalmente s'è squarciato il mistero!
LUCIA
IMPRESSED
Cos'è, signor Armando?
ARMANDO
Sandro sapeva di questo imbroglio che gli stavate combinando?
LUCIA
Quale imbroglio? Oh, non v'era nulla di male. Don Bartolo ha sperimentato la polvere su se stesso ritraendone grandi benefici. Gli son ricresciuti i capelli. Pensavo: "Se anche al mio Sandro... Se potessi rivedergli la chioma di una volta"... No... lui non sapeva nulla. Non osavo. Era un tipo così serio che si urtava anche a sentir parlare di queste cose. La polvere glicia metteva di nascosto nel succo di pomodoro.
ARMANDO
Ma benedette donne! Volete sì o no lasciare in pace questi poveri mariti? Se hanno i capelli, glieli fate strappare, se non li hanno volete far ricrescere. Insomma, è proprio vero che ne dovete combinare sempre una?
LUCIA
Undecided
Signor Armando, lei ha confuso... Non ha compreso bene. Adesso gliela farò vedere la polvere...
LUCIA RISES AND EXITS ABRUPTLY.
ARMANDO
PICKING UP HIS BRIEFCASE
No, non aspetto. Vado a chiamare il morto.
LUCIA ENTERS. SHE IS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.
Signor Armando! Strano... È possibile che sia fuggito. Oggi parlava in un modo. Che abbia dato di volta al cervello anche lui.
DON BARTOLO APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY A LITTLE BOOK IN HAND.
DON BARTOLO
È come dicevo io. Il numero sette. Cos'è? Cercate qualcosa?
LUCIA
Ma... v'era qui il signor Armando. È scomparso tutto ad un tratto. Ero andata a prendere il vostro preparato per...
SHE HOLDS OUT THE PILLBOX
DON BARTOLO
Vuol fare la cura anche lui?
LUCIA
No, volevo semplicemente fargli vedere la polverina. Il signor Armando li ha i capelli. È preposto. Sapete, Don Bartolo, che sono perseguitata da un dubbio feroce?
DON BARTOLO STARES AT HER WITH UTTER AMAZEMENT.
Che questa benedetta polvere abbia fatto male e dato alla testa al mio Sandro? Era un uomo così forte e sano.
DON BARTOLO
HURT
Cosa dite? Dubitate delle mie risorse scientifiche? Scorza di cannella: Cinnamomum, in latino... e radice di noce: juglans regia. Ecco tutto... fa anche bene per....
HIS GESTURE INDICATES THAT THE CONCOCTION IS ALSO GOOD FOR INTESTINAL TROUBLE
LUCIA
Ma allora... Non so... non so... Come si spiega il dramma che è accaduto?
DON BARTOLO
Si spiega benissimo. La luna! Sta scritto nel libro. I settenari, nelle fasi della luna sono nefasti. Le donne diventano isteriche e gli uomini si buttano nei fiumi.
LUCIA
Ma prima non gli era mai accaduto...
DON BARTOLO
ABSENTMINDEDLY
Di morire?
SANDRO AND ARMANDA APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY UNSEEN BY LUCIA AND DON BARTOLO WHO CONTINUE SPEAKING
LUCIA
Voglio dire che prima non aveva mai dato segni di squilibrio mentale.
DON BARTOLO
Vostro marito egregia signora è stato travolto DON BARTOLO (con't)
da uno di questi influssi lunari che colpiscono i vivi, ma possono anche...
ARMANDO
INDICATING SANDRO
Far risuscitare un morto...
LUCIA
TURNING AND SEEING SANDRO
Sandro...Sandro mio.....
SHE FALLS INTO A FAINT
ARMANDO
È stato un falso allarme.
THEY ALL GATHER AROUND
LUCIA, WHO IS COMING TO.
ARMANDO
Il mio amico ha semplicemente avuto un periodo di crisi. Un esaurimento nervoso...Amnesia..
LUCIA
Ma allora? Oh, mi sento davvero di sognare...
DON BARTOLO
La memoria...Sicuro!..La luna che fa perdere la memoria...gola del sette.
SANDRO KISSES LUCIA AND
PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.
SANDRO
Don Bartolo, mi hanno detto che avete una polvere miracolosa per i capelli....
DON BARTOLO
PROUDLY
Eccola qui. Scorza di Cannella e radice di noce. Effetto garantito..Osservino. Guardino la mia testa.
HE BENDS OVER TO LET THEM OTHERS EXAMINE HIS SCALP.
SANDRO, TAKING THE PILL BOX
Questa volta, però, la polverina la metterò io nel succo di pomodoro.
ARLANDO
Sandro, è fatta la nostra fortuna! Ecco il
prodotto da lanciare. La polvere che allarma
i mariti, ti crea dei finti morti e fa
risuscitare i capelli.
MUSIC HAPPY ENDING, TOUCH OF COMEDY
THE END
A Comedy By FRANCO LALLI
Sandro ..... 55 years and bald
Armando .... Sandro’s partner in business.
Lucia ...... Sandro’s wife
The Pharmacist.. A man of uncertain age.
A Kitchen
A Business Office
A Living Room
A pill-box
Nothing
A KITCHEN. LUCIA IS NEAR THE SINK. SHE IS FURTIVELY POURING A WHITE POWDER INTO A GLASS SO THAT HER HUSBAND WILL NOT SEE HER. SHE DISPOSES OF THE EMPTY ENVELOPE, THEN PROCEEDS TO FILL THE GLASS WITH TOMATO JUICE. SANDRO, HER HUSBAND IS SEATED AT THE TABLE APPARENTLY READING HIS NEWSPAPER, BUT IN REALITY HE IS FOLLOWING HIS WIFE’S EVERY MOVE. THE BREAKFAST REMAINS ARE STILL ON THE TABLE. THERE IS A GENERAL AIR OF MYSTERY.
MUSIC: SUSPENSE - MYSTERY
LUCIA
(APPROACHING HER HUSBAND, GLASS IN HAND)
You forgot to have your.... That is, I forgot to put the tomato juice on the table this morning.... We can drink it now... it’s all the same.
LUCIA PLACES THE GLASS IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND, THEN TURNING HER BACK TO HIM SHE RETURNS TO THE SINK AND PROCEEDS TO SCRUB IT AS THOUGH SHE WISHED TO WASH AWAY THE REMAINS OF... SOMETHING.
SANDRO PICKS UP THE GLASS AND OBSERVES IT CLOSELY. HE SNIFFS THE CONTENTS, WITHDRAWS FROM IT WITH A GRIMACE, PLACES THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND RISES SUDDENLY, THROWING THE NEWSPAPER TO THE FLOOR.
SANDRO
I’m leaving. It’s late.
LUCIA TURNS SEEING THE XXXXX GLASS IS STILL FULL.
LUCIA
You haven’t had the....
SANDRO
You drink it, darling.... It’ll do you good.
LUCIA
But I made it for you. In the morning, you need to....
SANDRO
I know... I’m convinced of it. But you see, I don’t feel like it today. I’ve already had breakfast. I have to rush to the office.
HE BIDS HIS GOODBYE IN HASTE. HE IS NERVOUS
Goodbye.
HE EXITS.
LUCIA'S GAZE FOLLOWS HIM OUT. SHE GOES TO THE TABLE, PICKS UP THE GLASS AND POURS THE CONTENTS DOWN THE DRAIN. THE ENTIRE SCENE MUST CONVEY TO THE AUDIENCE THAT SHE IS ATTEMPTING TO POISON HER HUSBAND.
MUSIC CONTINUED MOOD OF MYSTERY
AN OFFICE
SANDRO ENTERS. HE IS TROUBLED. HE REMOVES HIS HAT AND GOES TO HIS DESK.
SANDRO
Good morning, Armando.
ARMANDO IS WRITING. HE ANSWERS WITHOUT LOOKING UP.
ARMANDO
Good morning, Sandro. How are things?
SANDRO GLANCES THROUGH HIS MAIL WITHOUT SITTING
SANDRO
Not too well.
ARMANDO
What’s wrong?
SANDRO
I don’t know... For several days now I’ve been.... Perhaps I’ll see a doctor.
ARMANDO
Don’t worry. Just be careful what you eat.
ARMANDO (con't.)
In my opinion, you drink too much tomato juice.
SANDRO SURPRISED
Me? And who told you that?
ARMANDO
You did.
He DROPS HIS PENCIL AND MAKES DESCRIPTIVE GESTURES
A glass in the morning... a glass in the evening... a glass....
SANDRO
It was my wife who insisted.
(TO HIMSELF)
Now I know why.
HE SITS
ARMANDO RISES AND GOES TO SANDRO WITH SOME PAPERS IN HAND.
ARMANDO
I’ve carefully examined all these proposals.
SANDRO
Well?
ARMANDO
We ought to take them and throw them out the window. Enormous capital and enormous risks. My dear fellow, I’ve told you: if we want to save ourselves and get this ramshackle business back on its feet, we need a new product—something that captures the imagination and makes an impression on the public.
SANDRO
(SCEPTICALLY)
Ah... easy to say: Find it.... You’re looking for the nail....
ARMANDO
What nail?
SANDRO
The nail every businessman has in his head, the one he hopes to hang the Key to Fortune on.
ARMANDO
Then let’s close up shop. Better not to waste any more time or money. You know that in a few months... this place will collapse.
SANDRO
So much the better. Let it all end once and for all! If you only knew what I’m going through.
ARMANDO
I know... unfortunately!
SANDRO
What do you know!... What do you know!
ARMANDO
What do you mean, what do I know? That’s a good one! Haven’t we been racking our brains together, trying to get out of this situation?
SANDRO
I’m referring to far more serious matters, Armando....
ARMANDO
I don’t understand! Speak!
SANDRO
My life is in danger. I’ve received a death threat.
ARMANDO [IMPRESSED]
A death... threat? And who....
SANDRO
My wife. She’s trying to poison me.
ARMANDO
What are you saying?
SANDRO
I witnessed her latest attempt half an hour ago.
But why?... Why would she want to poison you? Explain yourself!
SANDRO
WITH A BITTER SMILE
Why? Ah, my dear fellow. Ask a friend why he betrays you, or an enemy why he forgives you. Mysteries of the human soul... Life!
ARMANDO
So you’re truly convinced, certain of it.
SANDRO
I have no conclusive proof, and I’ve searched for it in vain through these past months of anxiety and torment... but unmistakable circumstances, clear and eloquent clues, have convinced me that a relationship has developed between my wife and a pharmacist....
ARMANDO
A pharmacist?
SANDRO
That is why a certain little white powder has been turning up around my house for several weeks. He appeared out of nowhere. I’d never seen him or even heard of him. Then, all of a sudden, my wife becomes great friends with his sister, who’s as ugly as he is and built like a great hulking ox: visits back and forth, dinner invitations, courtesies on every side.... And the pharmacist is much older than she is, mind you.
ARMANDO
But you never told me about any of this.
SANDRO
I put up with it. I hoped to rid myself of him one way or another. You know about my old desire to leave the city and go live in a house in the country. In that case, I thought, farewell forever to the pharmacist and his unwelcome visits. Besides the annoyance his presence caused me, I had no reason for complaint or suspicion. Then one evening,
SANDRO (con't)
as I entered the living room, I found them talking in rather low voices, and the instant they saw me, they changed the subject.
ARMANDO
Who was talking in low voices?
SANDRO
He and my wife. His sister wasn’t there.
ARMANDO
Ah! I understand.
SANDRO
From that evening on, I began to keep watch. Dear Armando, when a husband opens his eyes, he loses his peace forever. First of all, I noticed that my wife had changed her hairstyle and made far too much fuss whenever a visit from Don Bartolo was announced. His name is Don Bartolo, like the character in The Barber of Seville. She’s all coy gestures, smiles, sweet talk, and... perfume.... If one day you take the great step and decide to marry, remember this: the nose is the first to understand.
ARMANDO
...what’s cooking....
SANDRO
No. That you’ve chosen the wrong woman. But there was still nothing serious, nothing alarming. It was all still in the realm of fantasy and supposition. Once I had opened my eyes, though, they opened completely when I learned that Don Bartolo and my wife had spent an entire afternoon together in a country house.
ARMANDO
Good heavens!
SANDRO
Immediately afterward, the little white powder appeared on the scene.
ARLANDO
But what is this little white powder?
SANDRO
If you only knew what I’ve done to find out! She keeps it in little packets like the ones they give you at pharmacies, and so I immediately recognized the hand of our friend Don Bartolo. I discovered that my wife was putting it into those very glasses of tomato juice we were talking about earlier.
ARLANDO
His MOUTH DROPPING OPEN
And you drank them?
SANDRO
I pretended to drink them, but I poured every one into the fish tank.
ARLANDO
I would have backed her into a corner.... Forgive me, but your life is at stake....
SANDRO
More than once I was tempted to do it, but the powder—even if administered with criminal intent—isn’t proof of betrayal, of infidelity, do you understand? That’s what I still lack, what keeps eluding me... the proof.... I must obtain it.
ARLANDO
SUDDENLY
Wait... Wait a moment....
SANDRO
LOOKING AROUND HIM, NOT UNDERSTANDING
What is it?
ARLANDO
I’ve got it! I have the solution! Sandro, you must die!
What?
ARMANDO
You must kill yourself!
SANDRO
Are you mad, or have you joined forces with the pharmacist too?
ARMANDO
Don’t misunderstand me. You don’t really have to die, to actually kill yourself.... A pretense. A trap, understand? Once you’ve disappeared, they’ll take off their masks, and if they’re guilty, they’ll reveal it at once by getting engaged, getting married, or running away together. Oh, come now!... You can tell at once whether a woman is crying water or crying tears.
SANDRO HAS FOLLOED ARMANDO'S SPEECH BUT IS OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED
SANDRO
But where’s the logic in what you’re saying? Disappear. Die... How can one die without dying?
(ALMOST TO HIMSELF)
He really is mad! No wonder we haven’t managed to pull off a single deal in this place.
ARMANDO
How do the others do it?
SANDRO
IRRITATED
What others?
ARMANDO
Those who die and remain alive. There are dead men in this world who are doing very well! They say they’re dead, leave a note saying they’re going to kill themselves, that they’re going to throw themselves into a river... and then... once the chain is broken and they’ve escaped whatever mess they were in... they live in perfect peace... while dead.
What?
ARMANDO
You must kill yourself!
SANDRO
Are you mad, or have you joined forces with the pharmacist too?
ARMANDO
Don’t misunderstand me. You don’t really have to die, to actually kill yourself... A pretense. A trap, understand? Once you’ve disappeared, they’ll take off their masks, and if they’re guilty, they’ll reveal it at once by getting engaged, getting married, or running away together. Oh, come now... You can tell at once whether a woman is crying water or crying tears.
SANDRO HAS FOLLOWED ARMANDO'S SPEECH BUT IS OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED
SANDRO
But where’s the logic in what you’re saying? Disappear. Die... How can one die without dying?
(ALMOST TO HIMSELF)
He really is mad! No wonder we haven’t managed to pull off a single deal in this place.
ARMANDO
How do the others do it?
SANDRO
Irritated
What others?
ARMANDO
Those who die and remain alive. There are dead men in this world who are doing very well! They say they’re dead, leave a note saying they’re going to kill themselves, that they’re going to throw themselves into a river... and then... once the chain is broken and they’ve escaped whatever mess they were in... they live in perfect peace... while dead.
SANDRO
MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER
I don’t understand!
ARIANNO
Come stay with me. You can shut yourself away in my house, rest, and read the papers.
A GOOD SUGGESTION
It would do you good, you know. You look worn out. You’ve got the eyes of a fried fish. And at long last you’d escape the hell you’ve landed yourself in.
SANDRO
RESIGNED, CONVINCED
All right, then! Say no more. I’ll play dead. Let’s see what comes of it. But where do we begin?
ARIANNO
Let me guide you. You’ll see... you’ll see....
MUSIC DRAMATIC
THE KITCHEN - SAME AS SCENE ONE
SANDRO ENTERS WITH UT GREETING HIS WIFE. HE SEES SOME LETTERS ON THE TABLE. PICKS THEM UP AND ASKS:
SANDRO
What’s all this?
LUCIA
Oh, is that you, Sandro? What do you mean?
NOTICING THE LETTERS
It’s the mail.
SANDRO
I’m not opening it. I’ve decided never to open
SANDRO (con't)
another letter.
LUCIA
Are you nervous? Is something wrong?
SANDRO
Something? The whole world is hurtling toward the abyss. You’ll see, you’ll see—I’m going to explode! And what an end it’ll be!
HE PAUSES PACING UP AND DOWN NERVOUSLY
But I’m leaving first.
LUCIA
SURPRISED
What are you saying, Sandro? Where are you going?
SANDRO
To the next world. And without delay. I want to put an end to it once and for all.
LUCIA
JOKINGLY
I don’t understand the joke. You know I’m slow at catching funny stories.
SANDRO
A joke? Funny stories? Can’t you see the chaos, the obscenity of life on earth? Is it possible that we must all live clinging to the fuse of a bomb?
LUCIA
What can we do about it? We have to be patient! Come, darling, I’ve made you a nice glass of tomato juice. It’ll give you back your strength. You’re tired—I can see that.
SANDRO
Ah! Tomato juice. Give it to me! Give it to me! I want to take it with me to the next world and show it to all those departed souls. “Here’s what our wives make for us... Have a taste... Have a taste.
SANDRO
Isn’t it delicious!”
HE EXITS WHILE LUCIA
GAZES IN SURPRISE AND
ALARM.
MUSIC SUSPENSE WITH CRESCENDO
END OF PART ONE
COMMERCIAL
MUSIC FUNEREAL BUT WITH A TOUCH OF SATIRE
SET: A LIVING ROOM
DON BARTOLO
HE IS AN INSIGNIFICANT CARICATURE OF A MAN, HIGH STARCHED COLLAR AND SUFFS-SPATS - BOUTONNIERE AND TIE-PIN. HE IS SEATED, HIS HANDS RESTING ON HIS CANE, HIS CHIN RESTING ON HIS HANDS. HE IS GAZING INTENTLY AT THE FLOOR. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE - THEN HE SPEAKS WITHOUT LOOKING UP.
I’m thinking.... I’m thinking about the rule of seven in relation to the phases of the moon.
LUCIA
SHE IS SEATED FACING HIM. SHE WEARS DEEP MOURNING.
What rule?
DON BARTOLO
LOOKING UP
An infallible rule. Today is the twenty-second. The new moon was on the eleventh. Eleven, eighteen... But I had a little book with all the combinations in it. I must have left it at the pharmacy. I’ll go and get it. It’s only a few steps away. I must satisfy my curiosity, because if the rule of seven is involved, then everything is explained.
HE IS CALCULATING MENTALLY.
HE SEARCHES IN HIS POCKET
HE FAILS TO FIND WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR
HE RISES
HE GOES TOWARDS THE DOOR WHERE HE MEETS A MANCO. THEY STOP, AND STARE AT ONE ANOTHER EACH WISHING TO MAKE WAY FOR THE OTHER BUT NEITHER
ONE MOVES. FINALLY DON BARTOLO EXITS.
ARMANDO
GESTURING TOWARDS DON BARTOLO.
The pharmacist?
LUCIA
Yes, Don Bartolo.
ARMANDO WINKING
I understand.
LUCIA
Come in, Mr. Armando. Please sit down.
ARMANDO
Well, ...how are things?
HE SITS, PLACING HIS BRIEFCASE ON HIS KNEES
LUCIA MAKES AN EMPTY GESTURE OF DESOLATE RESIGNATION
Courage, courage....
OPENING HIS BRIEFCASE
I’ve come about the accounts... and putting the office in order.
LUCIA
For heaven’s sake, Mr. Armando. I don’t want to hear another word about accounts or the office. Not with my heart torn apart like this.
ARMANDO
I understand... And yet it must be done...
LUCIA
You do it... take care of everything. You were my poor husband’s dearest friend... and I have always placed the same trust in you.
ARMANDO
Thank you, ma’am...
LUCIA
I’ve already made up my mind... I’ve made my plans...
ARMANDO
SCRUTINIZING
May I ask... if it isn’t indiscreet...
LUCIA
Not at all... I’m waiting for my sister to arrive... She should be here tomorrow. We’ll settle matters with the apartment, and then we’ll leave together.
ARMANDO
SURPRISED
Where will you go?
LUCIA
I’m going to live with her. I’m returning to the village...
ARMANDO
What? Such a sudden decision?
LUCIA
What else is left for me to do?
For me, everything is over.
DISCONSOLATE
ARMANDO
Come now, don’t say that... you’re still so young.
LUCIA
Please, Mr. Armando, don’t even say such a thing... I shall never recover from a blow like this. It was terrible. And to think the tragedy happened just as I was making so many wonderful plans.
SHE IS MOVED TO TEARS.
I wanted to buy a house in the country... to surprise him... He was always talking about having a house in the country.
ARMANDO
I know... He spoke to me about it too.
LUCIA
A wonderful opportunity had come up. A beautiful house—comfortable, full of light, close to the village. I had gone to see it with Don Bartolo, the man you met a moment ago, because the house belongs to him, and I liked it so much.
ARMANDO
CANDIDLY
Ah, then that explains everything...
LUCIA
Explains what?
ARMANDO
CORRECTING HIMSELF.
I mean, now I understand why Sandro did nothing but talk to me about it.
LUCIA
No, he knew nothing about it. It was meant to be a surprise. Lately I’d thought of telling him, but he was so nervous and irritable.
ARMANDO
It was the work, the worries. We couldn’t find a good product to launch on the market.
LUCIA
I understand, I understand... Deep down, I knew he had a kind and generous heart. Perhaps that is why fate struck me down with two thunderbolts: madness and suicide. When I received the letter saying he was going to throw himself into the river, the ground opened beneath my feet. I wanted to die too. I asked Don Bartolo for some poison, something that would put me to sleep and never let me wake again, but the poor man, naturally...
ARMANDO
Come now... come now, Mrs. Lucia... There’s a remedy for everything.
LUCIA
But not for death. The dead do not rise again.
ARIANDO
INGENUOUSLY
And why not? Sometimes... there have been cases.
LUCIA
But they haven’t even been able to find the body.
ARIANDO
The last word hasn’t been said yet... Who knows....
LUCIA
You think they might fish him out? No... no... better that I don’t see him in that state... better that I remember him as he was, my poor Sandro...
ARIANDO
He had gone downhill lately. He looked worn out.
LUCIA
But I was always telling him: he worried too much about business. That’s why he lost all his hair. He wasn’t even forty when it started falling out. And it was such a pity, because if you only knew what hair he had before... I fell in love with him the moment I saw it. Did you know that Don Bartolo and I were trying to make it grow back?
ARIANDO
What? What do you mean?
LUCIA
I mean, the pharmacist and I were trying to make poor Sandro’s hair grow back.
ARIANDO
Really?
LUCIA
I don’t know what results we might have had, but the pharmacist assured me that... Yes, Don Bartolo is a very strange man. He’s always coming up with something. But this time he invented a positively miraculous powder for making hair grow back, and every morning I put it in the tomato juice.
ARMANDO
JUMPING TO HIS FEET
Praise heaven! At last the mystery is solved!
LUCIA
IMPRESSED
What is it, Mr. Armando?
ARMANDO
Did Sandro know about this trick you were playing on him?
LUCIA
What trick? Oh, there was nothing wrong with it. Don Bartolo tested the powder on himself and obtained excellent results. His hair grew back. I thought, “If only my Sandro’s would too... If only I could see him with his old head of hair again”... No... he knew nothing. I didn’t dare tell him. He was so serious that even hearing such things discussed annoyed him. I secretly slipped the powder into his tomato juice.
ARMANDO
Good heavens, women! Will you ever leave your poor husbands in peace? If they have hair, you make them tear it out; if they don’t, you want to make it grow back. Is it really true that you must always be up to something?
LUCIA
Undecided
Mr. Armando, you’re confused... You haven’t understood. I’ll show you the powder now...
LUCIA RISES AND EXITS ABRUPTLY.
ARMANDO
PICKING UP HIS BRIEFCASE
No, I won’t wait. I’m going to fetch the dead man.
LUCIA ENTERS. SHE IS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.
Mr. Armando! How strange... Is it possible he ran away? He was talking so oddly today. Perhaps he’s lost his mind too.
DON BARTOLO APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY A LITTLE BOOK IN HAND.
DON BARTOLO
It’s just as I said. The number seven. What is it? Are you looking for something?
LUCIA
But... Mr. Armando was here. He vanished all of a sudden. I had gone to fetch your preparation so that...
SHE HOLDS OUT THE PILLBOX
DON BARTOLO
Does he want to try the treatment too?
LUCIA
No, I simply wanted to show him the powder. Mr. Armando has hair. He’s well supplied with it. You know, Don Bartolo, I’m tormented by a dreadful doubt.
DON BARTOLO STARES AT HER WITH UTTER AMAZEMENT.
Could this blessed powder have harmed my Sandro and gone to his head? He was such a strong, healthy man.
DON BARTOLO
HURT
What are you saying? Do you doubt my scientific resources? Cinnamon bark: Cinnamomum, in Latin... and walnut root: Juglans regia. That’s all... it’s also good for....
HIS GESTURE INDICATES THAT THE CONCOCTION IS ALSO GOOD FOR INTESTINAL TROUBLE
LUCIA
But then... I don’t know... I don’t know... How can we explain the tragedy that happened?
DON BARTOLO
It’s perfectly easy to explain. The moon! It’s written in the book. Sevens are ill-omened during the phases of the moon. Women become hysterical and men throw themselves into rivers.
LUCIA
But nothing like that had ever happened to him before...
DON BARTOLO
ABSENTMINDEDLY
You mean dying?
SANDRO AND ARMANDA APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY UNSEEN BY LUCIA AND DON BARTOLO WHO CONTINUE SPEAKING
LUCIA
I mean that he had never shown any sign of mental imbalance before.
DON BARTOLO
Your husband, my dear lady, was swept away
DON BARTOLO (con't)
from one of those lunar influences that strike the living, but can also...
ARMANDO
INDICATING SANDRO
Bring a dead man back to life...
LUCIA
TURNING AND SEEING SANDRO
Sandro...my Sandro.....
SHE FALLS INTO A FAINT
ARMANDO
It was a false alarm.
THEY ALL GATHER AROUND
LUCIA, WHO IS COMING TO.
ARMANDO
My friend simply went through a period of crisis. A nervous breakdown...Amnesia...
LUCIA
But then? Oh, I truly feel as if I’m dreaming...
DON BARTOLO
Memory...Of course!...The moon that makes you lose your memory...the throat of seven.
SANDRO KISSES LUCIA AND
PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.
SANDRO
Don Bartolo, they tell me you have a miraculous powder for the hair....
DON BARTOLO
PROUDLY
Here it is. Cinnamon bark and walnut root. Guaranteed results...See for yourselves. Look at my head.
HE BENDS OVER TO LET THEM
OTHERS EXAMINE HIS SCALP.
SANDRO, TAKING THE PILL BOX
This time, though, I’ll be the one to put the powder in the tomato juice.
ARLANDO
Sandro, our fortune is made! Here’s
the product to launch. The powder that alarms
husbands, creates fake corpses for you, and
brings hair back to life.
MUSIC HAPPY ENDING, TOUCH OF COMEDY
THE END
